But learning to navigate the subtleties of these rules is part of developing your social calibration. As I’m always saying, being good with women is a skill and some people are going to be more skilled than others.
And speaking of which: Whenever we talk about times when it’s appropriate to approach or hit on women, people will inevitably bring up someone they know – either personally or friend-of-a-friend – who broke “the rules” successfully. The fact that Michael Jordan can pull off an astounding dunk doesn’t mean that should give it a shot.
They hear the various horror stories about guys being labeled as creepy for trying to hit on women at cons or approaching women they see on the bus or on the train or trying to slide into their DMs and then lament that there are no acceptable ways for men to hit on women any more.
Almost every time a woman shares a story about just trying to get through their commute or catch up on their reading during their lunch hour, there’s a host of men complaining about how this isn’t fair to their dicks.
In the case of Ben Schoen’s attempt at wooing of Grace Spelman, he assumed a far greater level of intimacy than actually existed; the only contact they had was that she friended him on Facebook when she was fourteen.
For nine years, they had contact; they never interacted on Facebook or Twitter until he tweeted at her out of the blue.
You’re incongruent with the location and that can be incredibly creepy to people; it tells others that you either don’t understand the rules that govern what is and isn’t acceptable or you don’t .
Someone who doesn’t care that it’s not appropriate to yank a book out of somebody’s hands or pull the earbuds out of her ears is sending the signal that they may well not worry about little things like “consent” either.
Pushing and pushing for Spelman to respond to him, switching social media platforms when she wouldn’t respond to him on the previous one?
This is someone who’s demonstrating poor social calibration; he’s getting a very obvious brush-off and keeps trying anyway.
The fact that “they” did it (for suitably vague definitions of “they”), then clearly it should be open to , no? The more socially calibrated and experienced you are, the more you can pull off; people who’re more socially calibrated are better at reading the social context, picking up on the other person’s signs and knowing how – if necessary – to extract themselves if things go badly.
Someone who is socially well-calibrated can get away with more than someone approaches; the odds are against you and you can end up making yourself seem creepy when you don’t intend to.
Something that I see a lot of people struggle with when and how it’s appropriate to approach and hit on women.