We were staying as positive as possible, hoping to motivate people to do the same without death knocking on the door. For now, this is what I submitted as a memoriam for the paper this year Impossible to believe it’s been three years, and impossible to describe just how loved, and missed you are – with every breath, every heart beat, every day. But it still feels like a waste with no one ‘here’ to appreciate it. I try to accept that it is ‘enough’ to appreciate myself and my girls on my own. All three rings would have the design I needed – the right blend of beauty and symbolism.
We were uplifted and inspired by how many people were following and cheering us on. How lucky were we to have someone so wonderful to love, that it made saying goodbye so hard. Sure, in all of this – both with the girls and myself – I can see Elias smiling. I believe that what I have been through, the person I am now, and what I value in life would make me a better partner. Seeing as time had become too short to get it done before the 2yr mark, and after that there wouldn’t be enough time to get it done before our wedding anniversary (neither of which I wanted to be without the rings for), I had some time to sit with it and be sure that this was what I wanted.
After Elias died, it became incredibly difficult to write there, in that space. One where I could let out (most of) my pain and the darkness I felt. Your smile, energy and life will be forever missed – thankfully your spirit lives on in all of us. but maybe someone will understand my late night rambling. I’m glad I’m here for it, but it feels like part of their amazing energy is wasted. Seeing as turning back never crossed my mind, fast forward to the start of June, and another appointment with the jeweller to start the ball rolling.
A space that had once been filled with so much hope and positive energy. I longed to continue talking to Elias and sharing with him, which is why I started writing as if to him, regardless of who else read it. though this time it was from a less expected ‘group’. I found their blogs, and they found mine – and new hope was formed in the midst of the darkness. Posted in Uncategorized tagged Changes, Love, Strength at am by letterstoelias “Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” -Leo F. (I suppose that almost makes my point moot if I’m talking about ‘self’ appreciation and complaining that someone ‘else’ isn’t here . It’s not that I’m trying to rest my value on what someone else thinks of me – it’s about having someone else to appreciate it with me.) I also have these amazing kids. Of course I have my parents, close friends and family – but it’s just not the same as sharing it with another parent. This was the appointment where I had to leave my rings behind.
In some ways I think of life as a series of passing through seasons. At times it feels too far off, but still – you know it will change. From very early on after Elias died, I had an idea of what I eventually wanted to do with mine, but as much as I loved the idea, it was terriying.
When you start to grow weary of one (or not like it in the first place), you know it will end and soon a new one will begin. I wanted to wear all three forever, but in a way that was less heart-wrenching.
I’ve expressed before that I now struggle somewhat with this ‘place’. It (along with those who I found through it) helped carry me through the darkest season of my life. Tracking all the crazy numbers and stats of time with vs time without (I’ve now parented C more than twice as long on my own as we did together, etc). I just feel as though ‘this’ place has changed for me, yet I don’t feel done here either. I can’t even begin to explain how much this messes with my head. I went back the next day and took a few more photos with them all cleaned up, but didn’t get as much of an opportunity for a ‘good-bye’ with them as the cheery housepainter was trying to make conversation. I went right away to see it, and though it was ‘almost’ perfect, there were just a few tweaks that needed to be made.
I still feel that pain, but as my body and mind have adjusted to handle it better, I’ve found it more difficult to find ways to write about it. And, life isn’t ‘all’ bad, and I want to write these things too – and I have written some of that here. To know that it took him getting cancer and dying for me to finally be able to see in me what he saw all along. I will admit, it made me a ‘little’ nervous that maybe it would never be exactly right, but kind as she is, the jeweller agreed to send it back to the wax carver and make the changes at no charge. Better still, is that I’ve always found so much respect, appreciation and support of each others decisions. it’s definitely a ‘thicker’ ring than what I am used to, but it had to be. I love that, among all my widowed friends, there have been an incredible variety between how long, and how the rings have been worn as well as what has been done with them after they are taken off – ‘if’ they are taken off.Even though there are some aspects of certain seasons that aren’t always loved – be it allergies that come with spring, intense heat with summer (of course not usually around here! I’ve you’ve read this blog for any length of time, it’s come up on more than one occasion.), dark in the winter – there are usually enough benefits and beauty in each to help us get through. .) but I was reading a book to the girls last night that ends with the above little poem I love so much and it got me thinking (as it has each time I’ve read it). I just hope the rain holds off and there are no cougars out (there’ve been a few sightings around here lately)! I’ve considered any number of options, but never really wavered from my original plan – to blend our rings together in order to have one ring made for myself, and one for each of the girls.I don’t know how many different ways to express it. They will always have tears for their Daddy, and their lives are forever changed by his absence (just tonight, E is having a difficult time sleeping as I mistakenly chose bedtime to bring up the fact that fathers day is coming and to remind her of her choices when it’s time to start making crafts at school . I think it’s important to do so for those who may come across it in the midst of their darkest period of grief, to see that there can be light. To finally be able to look inside myself and appreciate what I see. An email yesterday to let me know rendition #2 was ready, and again I rushed over – and had a good feeling about it. I had, however, unfortunately forgot my camera and only had my phone to take a few photos with, but wanting to document the process, I took a few.